I WILL live up to the promise of not living my life in mundanity and it will have to first start from within. Otherwise no matter how colorful your life is on the outside, your life will still be bland. ~ byu
Unconventional, loyal and a cancerian.
I especially like to converse with people who are unrestrainably funny, people with a witty to almost sarcastic sense of humour or people who lead you to reflect deeply.
Am stubbornly passive, frog-in-a-well but once I’m into you? Hehe… that’s a different story altogether…
And oh! Though this is not my own profile, the way she's described herself kinda reminded me of myself. She's in her 50s. Wonder how wld i be like by then?
Perhaps this aspect of my horoscope explains it the best:
Retrograde Venus: has unique ideas regarding pleasure, beauty & love, & less concern for the social amenities. They tend to put those they love to the acid test: “If I do x & y, will you still love me?” Can lead to some form of antisocial behavior.
Don't they sound very much like me?? Perception, perception, perception. It's not for me to judge anyway. Bah!
i'm scared... i'm not as brave as people think i am and i feel alone.. even if there are people out there in worse off position than me.. i feel alone..
it's not that i do not have the ability to accomplish things.. just that i lack the emotional motivation..
i think i need someone, someone i can trust, someone i can rely on..
i need your shoulder, i want to bury my face in your chest..
You tell me you're in love with me Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me It's not that I don't want to stay But every time you come too close I move away
I wanna believe in everything that you say 'Cause it sounds so good But if you really want me, move slow There's things about me you just have to know
Sometimes I run Sometimes I hide Sometimes I'm scared of you But all I really want is to hold you tight Treat you right Be with you day and night Baby all I need is time
I don't wanna be so shy Every time that I'm alone I wonder why Hope that you will wait for me You'll see that you're the only one for me
I wanna believe in everything that you say 'Cause it sounds so good But if you really want me, move slow There's things about me you just have to know
Sometimes I run Sometimes I hide Sometimes I'm scared of you But all I really want is to hold you tight Treat you right Be with you day and night Baby all I need is time
Just hang around and you'll see There's nowhere I'd rather be If you love me, trust in me The way that I trust in you
Sometimes I run Sometimes I hide Sometimes I'm scared of you But all I really want is to hold you tight Treat you right Be with you day and night Baby all I need is time
Maybe it's all just in my imaginations... and then we'll have the many different characters that come in and out of our lives, blocking our vision, taking up our time, distracting our attention, diluting our feelings, strengthening our resolve to maintain our pride... but once the feeling is ignored and then gone, will it disappear forever? "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses." -- Dag Hjalmar Agné Carl Hammarskjold
Ever since my birthday this year, a slow gradual change has been sweeping over meh...
No, not my biological clock... haha... I'm way past that. Something else. A realization maybe.
Anyway, and so, I've been meeting up different friends of mine over the past weeks, talking to my friends, and then friends of friends.
So that friend of friend was saying, "She's leaving." A girl that he was into will be leaving for another country.
"Why don't you stopped her?"
"Nah. It's better this way."
And then my original friend said, "Sometimes it's better not knowing whether things ended or not."
Really?
All I know, if the guy was someone that I like, I'd like him to stop me or at least see me off at the airport. Maybe more could be said...??
Oh well *shrugs*. It's not as if I'm a pro at this. I sux at expressing myself to anyone whom I am starting to develop a liking for anyway. In the end, I think I am no better than that friend of friend.
Maybe in a while more's time, I'll be adding "Dating" to my "Looking For" status on facebook. Regardless of whoever I've been subconsciously developing an affinity for (my subconscious usually becomes apparent to me in the form of dreams), it is still not strong enough to throw out all my reservation. Therefore, I'm still open to all options =) My past experience of meeting people has taught me what to look out for in a mate. I'd still like to enjoy the process of being wooed though (many more guys out there still waiting to know me :P) I hadn't been totally open to this anyway (coz will need energy to handle all that attention ma...), been keeping a very, very low profile, and restraining myself. I think a flirtatious me would be very alluring... mmm... *cheeky* ;p
I love what you are, and what you do and how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength that carries you through. I’ve seen the best of you. I’ve seen the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. And I love you. ~ unknown
I'm a high C after all. I am preparing to usher myself into a brand new chapter of my life, and I promise myself that it will be sensational and nothing like before =)
ON YOUR MARK Lyrics & Music: Ryo Aska Arrangement: Sawachika Taisuke Translation by Aardvark Anime Concerts (not 100% accurate though)
Soshite bokurawa itsumo no egaoto sugatade And we, with smiles on our faces, Brush the dust off of our clothes Hokorini mamireta fukuo haratta If our hands should let go, it would not make a sound
Konote wo hanaseba otosae tatenai A coin dropped, Noiselessly Ochiteyuku koinwa nidoto kaeranai Never to return
Kimi to boku narande You and me, side by side Yoakeo oinuitemitai jitensha Racing the dawn on our bicycles
On Your Mark itsumo On Your Mark, let's go Hashiri daseba. Hayarino kaze ni yarareta I always seem to catch the flu that's going around
On Your Mark bokura ga soredemo yamenainowa On Your Mark We'll never quit Yumeno shamen miagete ikesohna kigasurukara We look up the hill of dreams, The crest in in sight
Soshite bokura wa kokoro no, chiisana akichide And then, In the empty spaces of our hearts Taganii furiotoshita kotobano yudachi Shooting each other with a hail of words
*some missing lines*
Kimi to boku subeteo We can't say the right thing Mitomete shimauni wa mada wakasugiru Like telling time, on a clock with invisible hands, we're too young to appriciate it, much to our chagrin
On Your Mark itsumo On Your Mark, let's go Hashiri daseba. Hayarino kaze ni yarareta I always seem to catch the flu that's going around
On Your Mark bokura ga soredemo yamenainowa On Your Mark We'll never quit Yumeno shamen miagete ikesohna kigasurukara We look up the hill of dreams, The crest in in sight
Soshite bokura wa And Then
*On Your Mark, itsumo On Your Mark, let's go Hashiri daseba hayarino kaze ni yarareta I always catch the flu that's going around
On Your Mark bokura ga soredemo yamenaino wa On Your Mark We can't lose this one Yumenoshamen miagete ikesohna kigasurukara Because our hearts are called together as one*
It definitely aptly describes me. In fact, I do not even think this description is strong enough. I am damn slow and "innocent" as some friends would call it when it comes to certain matter.
People around me may have on and off been giving me certain advice as to about what I need, but I usually do not find them a problem until I slowly (yes... in fact VERY SLOWLY) come to the awareness that, yes, indeed I do need help in that certain area my friends were suggesting before.
Like example, when my mother passed away, I'd hear relatives commenting that it would be very difficult for me from now on to deal with life without the care of my mother. I thought then, no doubt I miss my mother, but life goes on as usual, what's the fuss? I'm strong enough!
Years later did I realize the profound impact the loss of my mother on me.
Like when I'm all on my own, did away with this good-for-nothing ex, I'd hear friends telling me that perhaps I'd need someone to take care of me... in my mind I'd guffaw: What? Take care of me? Nah... It's okay. I have been always on my own haven't I? Who needs taking care of? Pleassseeee larh! Don't let me end up taking care of the person instead!
Recently, I am starting to feel that indeed I do yearn for someone to take care of me. I've been so tired, struggling for so many years on my own, feeling unloved, neglected, unwanted and ignored.
The only problem is who.
Just last Saturday, I was out with a girlfriend who asked me, are you seeing anyone? To which I said what I would usually say, "没有人要我啦。"
And the usual look of disbelief on their faces, whoever that was present at that time.
I would wonder myself sometimes... 谁要我？要我的人，我会要他吗？
Now if you're my friend, I'm sure by now you would have known that I'm not an easy girl. Neither am I someone who goes for tall, dark, handsome hunks (my ex was shorter than me) nor it would be the money or luxuries that I'm after. I'm not trying to brag but I think it would be so much easier to flirt insincerely and to make a lot of guys lovelorn for whatever benefits they can do for me. But then I would detest myself for that, so I'd rather hole myself up at home than to lead these kind of guys on, playing with people's feelings or flaunting my plight to gain sympathy. I don't know, maybe sometimes I'm just too "di" (hokien for straight) for my own good. I would rather be "di" than to be pretentious, because I sure as hell detest pretentiousness.
So then, how to fall in love liddat? Haha... good question. Tsk... sigh... maybe I have been so wrapped up in such a self-protecting cocoon that in the midst of defending myself, I have also been oblivious to all the goodness out there and blocking the well-intentioned out. I need to find a decent someone, to date, to understand, to fall in love with, and to whom that I can give and breathe my love to as well. I don't know who will he be for now. He could be someone I already know, or perhaps not. Geez.. I think I'd need to first 过我自己的这一关。
This was what I had composed myself somewhere in July. It describes my biggest fear and worry should I get involved in a relationship.
恐惧
我，是个在群众时不太懂得怎样善待自己的人。我或许并不需要我将来的伴侣对我时刻小心翼翼，娇宠万顺，但是我也很担心我会被他刻薄对待。就因为不懂得怎么善待自己，所以更害怕被对方耍得团团转，以敷衍的态度被对待，而自己却浑然不知，还以为自己正沉溺在牢不可破的幸福之中…… (5th July 2008)
Sigh... 这么迟钝的我…… 你还要吗？ Would you cherish and honor me too?
杨丞琳 ~ 带我走
Much as you would like to, you seemed to hold back on your loving quality and affection. You might find yourself loving someone, but you are unable to demonstrate or freely evince similar sort of energy towards your love.
~ part of a horoscope reading someone did up for me.
Been spotting rashes all over my body lately. All over my thighs, arms, elbows and stomach (*gasp*). My skin's been irritated, so I've been scratching.
Looks horrible I guess (if I wear short skirt that is). I think had I met people who do not know me well on the streets, they might think that it's some kind of a sexual disease symptom, haha.
Oh, but it will pass. I know because I've been through other similar phases in my life e.g. 10 years ago when I had acnes popping all over my forehead as rampant as active erupting volcanoes. And nope, it wasn't due to my teen's period of active hormonal glands, because I've been lucky to have somewhat clear skin with occasional one or two acnes emerging on my face during my teens. It was because of something else for which I'm not going into details here. Sometimes, it's due to environment, sometimes it's due to stress, sometimes it's due to fatigue or sometimes all three. Overall, I guess, for all that I've been subjected through, I was rather lucky that it didn't show much on my body physically. Not even when I had chicken pox.
Sometimes, I miss my mother. (LOL! I know this is like so random, a jolt from the flow of my post here!) Actually, let the truth be known, she wasn't exactly very 温柔... well you know, when she was still healthy. In fact, she's rather 凶巴巴的。And even that 凶巴巴 and emotionally aloof 的 mummy is gone, for so many years, I'm quite alone.
Like I've mentioned in some of my secret posts and other random sites which my friends do not know of, I desire to cry in the arms of someone to let out all my frustrations and hurt. However, as much as I had indicated this wish from time to time, I am not someone who can just throw myself into the arms of anyone to do that.
所以，很辛苦。Maybe, that's why it's starting to show up physically on my body, in the form of rashes. LOL! (well, there's actually a more logical & lame explanation for my rashes but well...)
I should set another appointment to see her again.
Not that I'm a total novice to this. There were some occasions in the past where I had been to such places, but usually I had gone with the mindset to wanna re-affirm my beliefs and decision, and to get things off my chest.
It's so hard being almost an orphan. It's even harder than an orphan when you have to live up to look good for the "family" part but without the emotional support and interaction of a "home".
And then you learned to tolerate abnormal behaviors that you believe are the "norms" because they've been "normalized".
Education is not just restricted to school. I have to relearn everything and start from scratch again, even as I near my 3rd decade of living on earth.
This time I should practice what I've always been preaching. I need to heal.
Just when I had thought all dust had settled, my previous visit a week plus ago hauled up all the most unbearable memories sending me reeling back in deep agony, again.
I need to heal. I need to thoroughly heal. Even if it will degenerate me back to the most painful state I had been through, I will need to do it again. Healing needs to come from deep within from a spiritual level.
"Hope, Love, and Trust are all core spiritual values and when you have invested those core values and beliefs in someone and then the heinous deception is revealed that the 'goal' of the relationship was to manipulate you all along, something 'rips' inside of you. This 'soul tearing' brings a spiritual skepticism, a distrust that permeates everything you EVER believed."
Even if my friends wouldn't understand what it is like for me exactly. I wouldn't let them. Cos' it would confuse them, hurt them, interrupt their lives if they were to see the true state I'm in, living the roller coaster everyday. I wish them love and happiness.
"Be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.
In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror." - Life And How To Survive It by Adrian Tan
That is why I decided to seek her. It was silly of me last week to scan her eyes to try to detect any hint of genuine concern. And it was just as stupid of me to start to try to sense and permeate her feelings, what she might have been through. I am the client.
Forgiveness is the act of facingthe pain and angerthat someone has brought into your life and letting go of any need or desire to pay that person back. - By Dr. John Van Epp
it's all sinking in... making sense... bit by bit... each time... every time... those times...
“你知道你现在是什么阶段吗？” 她对着我说。
我一直沉默不语。
“Loss。” 她特别强调这个字眼，用一种很特别的语调去刻意强调它。 “你知道什么是 loss 吗？”
“你失去了你唯一的精神支柱，你失去了原本以为的一个家，即使是你先放弃了他，你还是失去了他呀！”
感觉非笔墨所能形容。
“你没要求过什么，你只不过是想要一个人来好好的爱你而已。”
“你不甘心呀！”
It's all sinking in now..
“The person you loved never existed. It was an illusion created to manipulate you. If you still have feelings for him, they are feelings for what you wanted him to be, not for what he is.”
可怕。
"She tells herself she should be grateful to be out and negates her own feelings of loss. The end of a relationship always constitutes a loss whether he died or whether the relationship merely ended -- the heart recognizes it as the same -- which is 'loss.'"
原来。
So I need to properly... grieve? But how to properly grieve???
i cant sleep in the wee hours of this morning, so...
Me married? XXX yes i am XXX you mind? XXX if you mind i can understand Me well... it depends on one's motive... i strictly just wanna talk that's all Me u have children i sup? XXX chats ok as long as you are comfy XXX no, i do not have any yet XXX you have bf? Me nope Me ur wife asleep? XXX no XXX wife is with my inlaw in malaysia XXX all alone now....til april Me ur a msian? XXX hmmm...so to say... a bachelor til april XXX no lah...i pure singaporean XXX you? Me ur married, how cn u call urself a bacherlor? Me am a singaporean XXX not in a sense of status XXX more so in physical sense XXX 'single' now mer Me i mean pardon me... since we dun see ea other in real life XXX doesn't matter whether see or do not see...as long as we are comfy to chat here Me but ur married, how can u even be single in the physical sense? Me u have probs with ur wife? XXX nope XXX she has to be in malaysia for some errands Me she's good to u? XXX yes... XXX in what sense you mean 'good' leh? Me erm.. all sense lah Me or u feel that she doesnt satisfy u or wat Me er... is it a dif qn to ans Me if so nvm la XXX nope Me does she know how to use the internet? XXX yes Me so i guess she chats online too? XXX nope XXX she hates it Me so have u met a lot of people fr online so far? XXX a few XXX how abt you? Me nt really XXX ic XXX so you clean and goody good huh? Me wat u think? XXX clean gals can be as noti XXX noti girls are also as clean Me u met those lot? XXX not a lot Me meaning? u met clean girls or noti girls? XXX paradoxically both XXX some noti became clean XXX some clean got noti XXX pardoxical huh? Me wat abt u then? how would u describe urself? XXX i am as paradoxical XXX i am naturally noti as a man of my age XXX and also discreetly clean
Well, chats like this at this hour, after experiencing the irc (singnet irc has already shut down since June 07, prolly due to the works of Dollies Gone Wild. Good job for them!), doesn't come as a surprise to me.... however, i'm still as disgusted by the fact some guys esp. already married ones (let's not even talk about merely attached) would be on the prowl for sex online and hopefully offline as well (their true intentions).
You have her trust. Dun abuse it. Oh well, depends on who u get attach to ba. It makes me shiver just to think that there're many guys out there who want their cake and eat it too.
XXX how come yo so quiet leh? Me tis hr tired XXX you want to keep up again? Me keep up? XXX exchange numbers? Me oh Me i dun gib no online XXX its ok XXX nice chatting with you *my nick* XXX got to go now XXX tired and sleepy Me cya XXX will you call me?
OF COS NOT!!!
Afternote:
I would like to share here on what I've read before by Brad Masters. Here is what he's written:
I do understand the Feminist Perspective. And, I realize that men often judge women by their looks and/or perceived suitability as a sex partner, rather than as .
That's why some Eastern religious traditions teach celibacy. It's not really about being pure... or turning all one's energies towards God.
No, the true value of celibacy is that by giving up sex,one is more likely to see women purely as another human being like one's self, rather than as a sex objects.
Thus, this is an educational discipline. Once the lesson is learned, celibacy offers no other real benefit, and in fact can turn desires into obsession and become dangerous instead.
To cut his whole article short, let me lift parts of his article and piece them together where i deem appropriate:
The original motivation of the feminist movement was to help women empower themselves, stand up for themselves, and stop being emotional doormats that a man can walk all over.
To become strong! To become anchored in who you are! To assert yourself in the game of life! However, when one thinks of the feminist movement now, it seems to be more about "man hating" and lesbianism.
But please don't get me wrong. I certainly don't give a horse's patooey about anyone's sexual orientation. After all, man or woman, we each have to follow our own inner voice and do whatever feels right inside, even it flies in the face of convention. And, I do feel that every woman should be given the respect and equal treatment by society that she so much deserves. However, I take strong issue with the fact that the feminist movement seems to have been hijacked by man haters.
So lets go back to the underlying issue that lies at the very heart of feminism: Self Empowerment. For, that's what every human being wants, man or woman, and what every human being needs. And, what can be more empowering for a woman than to awaken her inner Goddess, and step out to boldly take as much pleasure out of life as she can get.
Life is a game to be enjoyed... and playfulness lies at the heart of the God or goddess nature that lives deep within each of us. And the dance between the sexes as old as time, and as natural as Mother Nature herself.
To dress up for your man, engage in role playing, or do anything else to bring fresh erotic fun into a relationship is EMPOWERING. For once your inner goddess is awakened, you could be the temple whore and still hold a power over the ruler of the kingdom that will have him begging at your very feet for your love and approval.
To have eyes but for you... and you alone.
So, in case if you've misunderstood me to be frigid, hope what I've quoted clears the air up.
Female: I've been living with a shadow overhead I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed I've been lonely for so long Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on
Male: I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away Just in case I ever need em again someday I've been setting aside time To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
Chorus: [Both] All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love Oh oh oh
Female: I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine I've been searching but I just don't see the signs I know that it's out there There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
Male: I've been looking for someone to shed some light Not somebody just to get me through the night I could use some direction And I'm open to your suggestions
Chorus: [Both] All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart again I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
Female: There are moments when I don't know if it's real Or if anybody feels the way I feel I need inspiration Not just another negotiation
Both: All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart to you I'm hoping you'll show me what to do And if you help me to start again You know that I'll be there for you in the end
"A melody is like sex..." begun Drew Barrymore.
"I so get that!" exclaimed Hugh Grant
"But then as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics... their story, who they are and their needs."
***
"The best time I've had in the last fifteen years was sitting at that piano with you." said Hugh.
"That's wonderfully sensitive... especially from a man who wears such tight pants" crooned Drew.
"It forces all the blood to my heart" agreed Hugh.
***
"I've been sleeping with a clown above my bed... clown is not right, what is that word?"frowned Hugh.
"It's cloud" corrected Drew."Why would you put a clown in your bed?"
"Let me tell you but not for the 1st time..." said Hugh.
I feel my wings have broken In your hands I feel the words unspoken Inside When they pull you under And I would give you any thing you want You were all I wanted All my dreams are falling down Crawling round and round and round
Somebody save me Let your warm hands break right through Somebody save me I don't care how you do it Just save, save Come on I've been waiting for you
I see the world has folded in your heart I feel the waves crash down inside And they pull me under And I would give you anything you want You were all I wanted All my dreams have fallen down Crawling round and round and round
Somebody save me Let your warm hands break right through Somebody save me I don't care how you do it Just save, save Come on I've been waiting for you
All my dreams are on the ground Crawling' round and round and round
Somebody save me Let your warm hands break right through Somebody save me I don't care how you do it Just save me, save me I've made this whole world shine for you Just save, save Come on I'm still waiting for you
