I'm always slow by half a beat

Ever heard of this saying "总是慢半拍"?

It definitely aptly describes me. In fact, I do not even think this description is strong enough. I am damn slow and "innocent" as some friends would call it when it comes to certain matter.

People around me may have on and off been giving me certain advice as to about what I need, but I usually do not find them a problem until I slowly (yes... in fact VERY SLOWLY) come to the awareness that, yes, indeed I do need help in that certain area my friends were suggesting before.

Like example, when my mother passed away, I'd hear relatives commenting that it would be very difficult for me from now on to deal with life without the care of my mother. I thought then, no doubt I miss my mother, but life goes on as usual, what's the fuss? I'm strong enough!

Years later did I realize the profound impact the loss of my mother on me.

Like when I'm all on my own, did away with this good-for-nothing ex, I'd hear friends telling me that perhaps I'd need someone to take care of me... in my mind I'd guffaw: What? Take care of me? Nah... It's okay. I have been always on my own haven't I? Who needs taking care of? Pleassseeee larh! Don't let me end up taking care of the person instead!

Recently, I am starting to feel that indeed I do yearn for someone to take care of me. I've been so tired, struggling for so many years on my own, feeling unloved, neglected, unwanted and ignored.

The only problem is who.

Just last Saturday, I was out with a girlfriend who asked me,
are you seeing anyone?
To which I said what I would usually say,
"没有人要我啦。"

And the usual look of disbelief on their faces, whoever that was present at that time.

I would wonder myself sometimes...
谁要我？要我的人，我会要他吗？

Now if you're my friend, I'm sure by now you would have known that I'm not an easy girl. Neither am I someone who goes for tall, dark, handsome hunks (my ex was shorter than me) nor it would be the money or luxuries that I'm after. I'm not trying to brag but I think it would be so much easier to flirt insincerely and to make a lot of guys lovelorn for whatever benefits they can do for me. But then I would detest myself for that, so I'd rather hole myself up at home than to lead these kind of guys on, playing with people's feelings or flaunting my plight to gain sympathy. I don't know, maybe sometimes I'm just too "di" (hokien for straight) for my own good. I would rather be "di" than to be pretentious, because I sure as hell detest pretentiousness.

So then, how to fall in love liddat? Haha... good question. Tsk... sigh... maybe I have been so wrapped up in such a self-protecting cocoon that in the midst of defending myself, I have also been oblivious to all the goodness out there and blocking the well-intentioned out. I need to find a decent someone, to date, to understand, to fall in love with, and to whom that I can give and breathe my love to as well. I don't know who will he be for now. He could be someone I already know, or perhaps not. Geez.. I think I'd need to first 过我自己的这一关。

This was what I had composed myself somewhere in July. It describes my biggest fear and worry should I get involved in a relationship.

恐惧

我，是个在群众时不太懂得怎样善待自己的人。我或许并不需要我将来的伴侣对我时刻小心翼翼，娇宠万顺，但是我也很担心我会被他刻薄对待。就因为不懂得怎么善待自己，所以更害怕被对方耍得团团转，以敷衍的态度被对待，而自己却浑然不知，还以为自己正沉溺在牢不可破的幸福之中……
(5th July 2008)


Sigh... 这么迟钝的我…… 你还要吗？
Would you cherish and honor me too?

杨丞琳 ~ 带我走

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Much as you would like to, you seemed to hold back on your loving quality and affection. You might find yourself loving someone, but you are unable to demonstrate or freely evince similar sort of energy towards your love.

~ part of a horoscope reading someone did up for me.