I WILL live up to the promise of not living my life in mundanity and it will have to first start from within. Otherwise no matter how colorful your life is on the outside, your life will still be bland. ~ byu
Unconventional, loyal and a cancerian.
I especially like to converse with people who are unrestrainably funny, people with a witty to almost sarcastic sense of humour or people who lead you to reflect deeply.
Am stubbornly passive, frog-in-a-well but once I’m into you? Hehe… that’s a different story altogether…
And oh! Though this is not my own profile, the way she's described herself kinda reminded me of myself. She's in her 50s. Wonder how wld i be like by then?
Perhaps this aspect of my horoscope explains it the best:
Retrograde Venus: has unique ideas regarding pleasure, beauty & love, & less concern for the social amenities. They tend to put those they love to the acid test: “If I do x & y, will you still love me?” Can lead to some form of antisocial behavior.
Don't they sound very much like me?? Perception, perception, perception. It's not for me to judge anyway. Bah!
Maybe it's all just in my imaginations... and then we'll have the many different characters that come in and out of our lives, blocking our vision, taking up our time, distracting our attention, diluting our feelings, strengthening our resolve to maintain our pride... but once the feeling is ignored and then gone, will it disappear forever? "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses." -- Dag Hjalmar Agné Carl Hammarskjold
It definitely aptly describes me. In fact, I do not even think this description is strong enough. I am damn slow and "innocent" as some friends would call it when it comes to certain matter.
People around me may have on and off been giving me certain advice as to about what I need, but I usually do not find them a problem until I slowly (yes... in fact VERY SLOWLY) come to the awareness that, yes, indeed I do need help in that certain area my friends were suggesting before.
Like example, when my mother passed away, I'd hear relatives commenting that it would be very difficult for me from now on to deal with life without the care of my mother. I thought then, no doubt I miss my mother, but life goes on as usual, what's the fuss? I'm strong enough!
Years later did I realize the profound impact the loss of my mother on me.
Like when I'm all on my own, did away with this good-for-nothing ex, I'd hear friends telling me that perhaps I'd need someone to take care of me... in my mind I'd guffaw: What? Take care of me? Nah... It's okay. I have been always on my own haven't I? Who needs taking care of? Pleassseeee larh! Don't let me end up taking care of the person instead!
Recently, I am starting to feel that indeed I do yearn for someone to take care of me. I've been so tired, struggling for so many years on my own, feeling unloved, neglected, unwanted and ignored.
The only problem is who.
Just last Saturday, I was out with a girlfriend who asked me, are you seeing anyone? To which I said what I would usually say, "没有人要我啦。"
And the usual look of disbelief on their faces, whoever that was present at that time.
I would wonder myself sometimes... 谁要我？要我的人，我会要他吗？
Now if you're my friend, I'm sure by now you would have known that I'm not an easy girl. Neither am I someone who goes for tall, dark, handsome hunks (my ex was shorter than me) nor it would be the money or luxuries that I'm after. I'm not trying to brag but I think it would be so much easier to flirt insincerely and to make a lot of guys lovelorn for whatever benefits they can do for me. But then I would detest myself for that, so I'd rather hole myself up at home than to lead these kind of guys on, playing with people's feelings or flaunting my plight to gain sympathy. I don't know, maybe sometimes I'm just too "di" (hokien for straight) for my own good. I would rather be "di" than to be pretentious, because I sure as hell detest pretentiousness.
So then, how to fall in love liddat? Haha... good question. Tsk... sigh... maybe I have been so wrapped up in such a self-protecting cocoon that in the midst of defending myself, I have also been oblivious to all the goodness out there and blocking the well-intentioned out. I need to find a decent someone, to date, to understand, to fall in love with, and to whom that I can give and breathe my love to as well. I don't know who will he be for now. He could be someone I already know, or perhaps not. Geez.. I think I'd need to first 过我自己的这一关。
This was what I had composed myself somewhere in July. It describes my biggest fear and worry should I get involved in a relationship.
恐惧
我，是个在群众时不太懂得怎样善待自己的人。我或许并不需要我将来的伴侣对我时刻小心翼翼，娇宠万顺，但是我也很担心我会被他刻薄对待。就因为不懂得怎么善待自己，所以更害怕被对方耍得团团转，以敷衍的态度被对待，而自己却浑然不知，还以为自己正沉溺在牢不可破的幸福之中…… (5th July 2008)
Sigh... 这么迟钝的我…… 你还要吗？ Would you cherish and honor me too?
杨丞琳 ~ 带我走
Much as you would like to, you seemed to hold back on your loving quality and affection. You might find yourself loving someone, but you are unable to demonstrate or freely evince similar sort of energy towards your love.
~ part of a horoscope reading someone did up for me.
In all fairness, I wasn't like this when I was young.
I went to donate blood yesterday, or rather I tried to. I chickened out in the end.
During my primary school days, I used to beat the queue to get to the front for our yearly jabs. Granted I wasn't at the first of the queue, but I would aim to get somewhere like the second place or somewhere around there. My reasoning was that I didn't want to be the guinea pig by being the first. Being the second in queue or at least somewhere after that place, I'd get to observe and get the ordeal done in a jiffy when it gets to my turn. I still remember the Malay girls in my class (no malicious offence directed at any particular race here) would squeal, howl and cry right before that march to the classroom where the injections are administered. While waiting in line for the injections, those girls would sobbed and hugged each other. I would always look at them with a sense of superiority and laughed silently in my heart. I'M NOT AFRAID! I thought proudly.
Years later, I saw my mother let out a yelp when the nurse took her blood (2 tubes of it all) for blood-testing while she was lying on the hospital bed. She was a very strong woman who seldom (if not never in my sight) cave in to any show of vulnerability. The doctor and the nurse standing around her looked "as-a-matter-of-fact" and official. I could still remember that scene vividly even up till today. It was as if that scene was the hallmark when it comes to extracting blood. Though I wasn't the one inflicted with the pain of her illness, it was as if I felt her pain too when I heard her let off that yelp. If all that chemo, radiation, surgery to remove her eye, the after-effect of that and the effects of being cancer-stricken in the terminal stage, that she couldn't even walk, that she would hallucinate etc etc wasn't painful enough, it was as if merely drawing 2 mini tubes of blood from her lifeless arm was.
Blood. A word with many connotations to me. Ties bounded by blood. Blood is thicker than water. Why then are we less than fair weather people unrelated by blood? Overlook me please, I am just whining past rage when an adult me right now should have more than enough logic in me to know better. But the thing is, emotions are not logical. You cannot reason away an emotion.
Unfortunately, humans are not thinking creatures who merely feel, they are feeling creatures who happen to know how to think... and that is a major difference! - Mike Pilinski
The very fact of living up to "expectations", ironically, curbs one's very own potential (if they're contradictory to one's potential) by putting the wrong focus onto what people expect (so either one under-performs, escapes from situation, or carry on tasks expected without much joy), instead of developing what potential one has. Thus, this leads to feelings of being "trapped", evolving into poor self-esteem and thus less happiness. Also, by denying one's own feelings, it dulls our intuition and reflexes. The more honest one is with one's own feelings, the more liberated one feels and is thus happier, more content and free to make choices based on love instead of fear. Depression comes from feeling trapped, happiness stems from having self-worth and choices. - Bon L
You Cannot Change What You Do Not Acknowledge ~ Rodney Hudgen
I came by this forum on SgForums call "[--] SEA OF AFFINITY )=l" and chanced upon the below video. Though I am essentially an ignostic, I do find what the monk said to be very valid in what I am believing deeply today - education. Though I would like to watch all videos under this series in Youtube, I guess highlighting what he said that affirmed my belief would do for today. 佛說十善業道經49-5
"Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man." Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Yea... and I am refering to that popular term: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray (funny... why do I keep seeing this name John of late?)
Actually what happened was I went borders yesterday to find a book call "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. I know that it wasn't exactly a new book because it had been published as far back as 10 years ago. However, since it had been a best seller before and is a very good book (imo), I was surprised that Borders did not carry that anymore. Worse still, the staff informed me that they might not ever restock this book. As I somehow sorta overheard this book had been on a clearing book sale for $9.90 (or is it more likely $19.90?), I decided not to make a special order for this book which is gonna cost me about $30 odd bucks. Maybe I'll try other book store next time. Anyway, thru the YouTube Videos i saw of Gavin, they had provided me with enough inkling of what to do and what not to do in the face of danger. A skill I needed critically since I have been kinda living on my own and with people to look out for.
Well back to mah blog title... (haha, you know how it is right? As described by John Gray in his popular Mars Venus Books, a woman tend to release stress thru talking, and touching on several different subjects at one go which seem to have no correlation with each other at all and seemingly to have no focus in her topic, which frustrates a typical male brain to no end. Well, I'm not that bad to guys i think, cos I have quite equal male and female thinking hemispheres for my brain as revealed by a few tests i've taken about that. But nevertheless, the female side of me still requires me to talk it all out as i feel what's coming to mah mind in order for me to feel good about myself. Even though i dun gossip with girlfriends or biatch behind people's backs in real life, i find the need still, to express myself by way of blogging. It is somehow the miraculous tool that help keep me sane throughout a certain difficult period i went thru. Kk, better go back to topic...) Mars and Venus. I used to have 2 books by John Gray regarding the topic of Mars and Venus which I had bought way back in the late 90s. I found what's written on those books to have made a lot of sense. However, in time to come, I also do realized that no book can work miracles when it comes to a relationship if one party does all the work and the other doesn't bother.
So, after I had confirmed that the book I wanted wasn't available for sale, I took to browsing the self-help and psychology part of those book shelves and found the latest book release by John Gray: Mars and Venus Collide. Interesting. As I had limited time left, I quickly thumbed through the book and found 2 quotes which I think are insightful into the world of gender differences and love.
Realistic expectations lead to real love.
Men need to feel needed and women need to feel they are not alone.
What's your take on that? I find em fairly accurate though.
i nida twist mah odd sleeping habit back on track.
Anyway, i went to sgforums' featured topics to have a quick look to see if there's any interesting topic to feast my eyes upon. Not that i was in any mood for debates. They're beginning to bore me and i find more tranquility in being a bypasser. Nothing interesting from its headlines? Out i go. Not that i pop by there often anyway.
I came by this line and thought i must absolutely jot this down for sheer amusement and future reference:
If you can't stop seeing couplehood as the Holy Grail, and as a result come across as a bumbling, maladjusted desperado who hasn't been weened, a mallet to the groin will do yourself and society plenty of good.
I admire this quote not so much for its content as for its choice of words. Beautifully strung.
And this one's gorgeous too:
Demand only as much as you're willing to give. Don't expect an intelligent lass to entertain you if you can't move away from rambling about your gadgets. And if you want her to do you like a porn star, at least mow your lawn like one.
Obviously they're talking about a certain mankind, but had the same beautiful flow been applied to those biatches, I wouldn't have any hang up about them either. Gawd... dun cha just love sarcastic insights? *lapping em all up*
Sometimes i wonder what good would it actually do to constantly put down the opposite sex? Men and women are made to be interdependent, not adversaries. Differences should be honored and celebrated. That is how jigsaw puzzles fit because they are different at strategically different points so that each piece complements one another.
That said however, i have no wish to meet any ungracious one similar to the categories mentioned in those quotes either!
i will only need to meet just one. goodness, would i be able to meet you?
Godspeed.
Good morning my friend. It's Saturday morning already. 6.11am. Wah.. =)
i cant sleep in the wee hours of this morning, so...
Me married? XXX yes i am XXX you mind? XXX if you mind i can understand Me well... it depends on one's motive... i strictly just wanna talk that's all Me u have children i sup? XXX chats ok as long as you are comfy XXX no, i do not have any yet XXX you have bf? Me nope Me ur wife asleep? XXX no XXX wife is with my inlaw in malaysia XXX all alone now....til april Me ur a msian? XXX hmmm...so to say... a bachelor til april XXX no lah...i pure singaporean XXX you? Me ur married, how cn u call urself a bacherlor? Me am a singaporean XXX not in a sense of status XXX more so in physical sense XXX 'single' now mer Me i mean pardon me... since we dun see ea other in real life XXX doesn't matter whether see or do not see...as long as we are comfy to chat here Me but ur married, how can u even be single in the physical sense? Me u have probs with ur wife? XXX nope XXX she has to be in malaysia for some errands Me she's good to u? XXX yes... XXX in what sense you mean 'good' leh? Me erm.. all sense lah Me or u feel that she doesnt satisfy u or wat Me er... is it a dif qn to ans Me if so nvm la XXX nope Me does she know how to use the internet? XXX yes Me so i guess she chats online too? XXX nope XXX she hates it Me so have u met a lot of people fr online so far? XXX a few XXX how abt you? Me nt really XXX ic XXX so you clean and goody good huh? Me wat u think? XXX clean gals can be as noti XXX noti girls are also as clean Me u met those lot? XXX not a lot Me meaning? u met clean girls or noti girls? XXX paradoxically both XXX some noti became clean XXX some clean got noti XXX pardoxical huh? Me wat abt u then? how would u describe urself? XXX i am as paradoxical XXX i am naturally noti as a man of my age XXX and also discreetly clean
Well, chats like this at this hour, after experiencing the irc (singnet irc has already shut down since June 07, prolly due to the works of Dollies Gone Wild. Good job for them!), doesn't come as a surprise to me.... however, i'm still as disgusted by the fact some guys esp. already married ones (let's not even talk about merely attached) would be on the prowl for sex online and hopefully offline as well (their true intentions).
You have her trust. Dun abuse it. Oh well, depends on who u get attach to ba. It makes me shiver just to think that there're many guys out there who want their cake and eat it too.
XXX how come yo so quiet leh? Me tis hr tired XXX you want to keep up again? Me keep up? XXX exchange numbers? Me oh Me i dun gib no online XXX its ok XXX nice chatting with you *my nick* XXX got to go now XXX tired and sleepy Me cya XXX will you call me?
OF COS NOT!!!
Afternote:
I would like to share here on what I've read before by Brad Masters. Here is what he's written:
I do understand the Feminist Perspective. And, I realize that men often judge women by their looks and/or perceived suitability as a sex partner, rather than as .
That's why some Eastern religious traditions teach celibacy. It's not really about being pure... or turning all one's energies towards God.
No, the true value of celibacy is that by giving up sex,one is more likely to see women purely as another human being like one's self, rather than as a sex objects.
Thus, this is an educational discipline. Once the lesson is learned, celibacy offers no other real benefit, and in fact can turn desires into obsession and become dangerous instead.
To cut his whole article short, let me lift parts of his article and piece them together where i deem appropriate:
The original motivation of the feminist movement was to help women empower themselves, stand up for themselves, and stop being emotional doormats that a man can walk all over.
To become strong! To become anchored in who you are! To assert yourself in the game of life! However, when one thinks of the feminist movement now, it seems to be more about "man hating" and lesbianism.
But please don't get me wrong. I certainly don't give a horse's patooey about anyone's sexual orientation. After all, man or woman, we each have to follow our own inner voice and do whatever feels right inside, even it flies in the face of convention. And, I do feel that every woman should be given the respect and equal treatment by society that she so much deserves. However, I take strong issue with the fact that the feminist movement seems to have been hijacked by man haters.
So lets go back to the underlying issue that lies at the very heart of feminism: Self Empowerment. For, that's what every human being wants, man or woman, and what every human being needs. And, what can be more empowering for a woman than to awaken her inner Goddess, and step out to boldly take as much pleasure out of life as she can get.
Life is a game to be enjoyed... and playfulness lies at the heart of the God or goddess nature that lives deep within each of us. And the dance between the sexes as old as time, and as natural as Mother Nature herself.
To dress up for your man, engage in role playing, or do anything else to bring fresh erotic fun into a relationship is EMPOWERING. For once your inner goddess is awakened, you could be the temple whore and still hold a power over the ruler of the kingdom that will have him begging at your very feet for your love and approval.
To have eyes but for you... and you alone.
So, in case if you've misunderstood me to be frigid, hope what I've quoted clears the air up.
Female: I've been living with a shadow overhead I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed I've been lonely for so long Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on
Male: I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away Just in case I ever need em again someday I've been setting aside time To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
Chorus: [Both] All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love Oh oh oh
Female: I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine I've been searching but I just don't see the signs I know that it's out there There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
Male: I've been looking for someone to shed some light Not somebody just to get me through the night I could use some direction And I'm open to your suggestions
Chorus: [Both] All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart again I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
Female: There are moments when I don't know if it's real Or if anybody feels the way I feel I need inspiration Not just another negotiation
Both: All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart to you I'm hoping you'll show me what to do And if you help me to start again You know that I'll be there for you in the end
"A melody is like sex..." begun Drew Barrymore.
"I so get that!" exclaimed Hugh Grant
"But then as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics... their story, who they are and their needs."
***
"The best time I've had in the last fifteen years was sitting at that piano with you." said Hugh.
"That's wonderfully sensitive... especially from a man who wears such tight pants" crooned Drew.
"It forces all the blood to my heart" agreed Hugh.
***
"I've been sleeping with a clown above my bed... clown is not right, what is that word?"frowned Hugh.
"It's cloud" corrected Drew."Why would you put a clown in your bed?"
"Let me tell you but not for the 1st time..." said Hugh.
Technically, Friday was yesterday... hello Saturday! And wat's TGIF? Okay, I must admit I hv heard of this term before, but somewhere this year, a friend's messaged me "TGIF blah blah blah". So i asked, "What's TGIF?"
He replied,"Don't you know? Thank God It's Friday!"
Haha.. and then i remembered all over again.
Well... when i was in retail line, Fridays & Saturdays were actually our busiest period. All staff were not allowed to take off on these two days. So Fridays doesn't really matter very much to me then unless you're looking forward to closing a customer during the weekends (esp if big deal). Even right now in my current occupation, Fridays wouldnt hv matter very much to me once I'm in the "all in" mode. I can get busy. I cld get busy. And really very B U S Y.
Remembering the promise to go "rackey" some shops at Clarke Quay (Central G Mall?) on behalf of one of my ex-colleagues, I headed for Clarke Quay MRT. Location was near to my appointment in the evening at PS anyway. Just then, I saw a figure of someone looking rather familiar. *Gasp* oh gosh! :o Was it you whom I had not seen for almost close to one year already? I dodged a lil cos the figure in question was rather near a pillar and with me ducking to one side, he might not be able to see me fr that angle. Was it you? Then again, it didnt really seem like you, or was it you or not? Hell, why am I so evasive all of a sudden? Ironically, now as I am typing this out, I reminded myself of Sophie in the movie "Music & Lyrics" I was to watch after this incident. She wasnt able to face up to a guy with whom she once had a relationship before but screwed her up big time. "He IS a JERK". Wahahaha... it's such an uncanny coincidence... But, it may not be him larh... anyway, why am I so panicky abt someone I'm so over & done with? I moved on to those shops I had targeted to check out...
Lotsa new shops just starting out in their own names & new brand from overseas landing their 1st retail shop in Central G (i sup, the mall name at Clarke Quay). There was this particular shop call "The Kiss ~ Couple's" (website: www.thekiss.co.jp) that has particularly piqued my interest. Heard fr the sales personnel there that the shop has its roots back in Japan with about 50 retail shops there in its name. Like the designs there. Most of the jewelry there are in silver. I like silver anyway. What's special is that every jewelry design would come in a pair (one for man & one for the lady; though this concept is not exactly new - there's an area in PS call the "Couple's Lab" with similiar concept) and they've even grouped one corner of the shop dedicated to show-casing the top selling jewelry in Japan from no.1 to no.50! Looking at the different couple's rings and necklaces, I was brought back to this particular memory (allow me to indulge a lil bit in the memory of my past on my blog here) nearing Valentine's Day in the year 2001. Though I was working in a jewelry shop, I didnt hv much spending money to splurge on the diamonds & platinium in my shop (wakakaka). I was thinking of wat to do on Valentine's Day...
Now, just opposite the retail shop where I worked for was a silver shop. Sometimes, on and off when there weren't much crowd in our shop, some of my colleagues including myself wld pop by to talk to the staff there or to glance thru their designs. I remembered seeing quite some decent looking plain silver rings that i could prolly get to match a set together for a couple's rings. Tsk tsk... well then, wldnt this be rather ordinary & a no brainer to just get a set of rings off the rack? Wld this be Bon? Of cos not! LOL. Kk, wat really got me excited were the extra efforts i wld need to put in to present my gift (you may be thinking that some kinda screws must be loose in me to want to do things in a more challenging way!) Oh well, it aint all that difficult anyway. At that time, I had no idea of his ring finger size. He used to have a ring, but with the additional weight he's piled on, it no longer fit him and wat is a surprise without the surprise element? Sshhh... 不能打草惊蛇哦! Bonnie loves surprises! And hope that the person whom she loves wld be delighted by her little acts of surprise too! So, i didnt even use his old ring as a gauge. Being the very gung-ho Bonnie, she's decided that even if the ring did not fit him, she's made up her mind to get another ring for him anyway. Hence without further hesitation, she's got herself the silver ring in her size and another one in his estimated size (using her right thumb as a guideline). To say truth, usually shops wld allow exchange if sizes dont fit so long as they are in mint condition. But what she needed to do next 's completely rendered this second chance null and void.
During those times, my ex used to delve into basic conversational Japanese. Up to this date, I still hv no idea of most expressions but one of the easiest for me to rmb then is: ai shiteru. Which translates to "I love you" in Japanese. Putting this and the concept of a couple's rings in my mind, wat do you get??
Did you know you can get engraving services done for your rings if you were to purchase them at most jewelry shops? Well bingo! What's more, I wld be engraving the rings all by myself! Haha.. actually not quite. The engraving machine that most jewelry shops have, engraves on the inside of the ring. Now, the silver shop has a machine which does engraving on the exterior surface of the ring. Hence, I got the silver shop to engrave a heart shape <3 & "Aiyishitehru" in monotype corsiva fonts on the exterior of the ring. Within the ring itself, I set up to work the following message in Capital italics: I LOVE THEE 14 FEBRUARY 2001
Plus a a decent box fr yours truly shop & done up with ribbons, ta-da! I was all set for Valentine's. Happy Valentine's Day!
Turned out that the ring size did not fit him anyway.
I bought him his new ring, did up the new set of engravings for him.
When i do love, i love freely. What i've given, i gave whole-heartedly. I can be random, wacky, mischievous yet sentimental & traditional
Anyway, that was then. Since then, designs hv improved by leaps & bounds. So have the prices though xD It's so easy these days to pick up lovely looking rings, necklaces, bracelets etc whatever you name it... Just like it's so easy to dress up a woman with all that accessories, dresses, shoes & make-up. All you need is just a lil more vitamin M.
Do efforts count anymore?
I guess they still do, to me. But oddly enough, I've never been really much on the receiving end.
