WANT(20%) or NEED (80%)..?

Just read this somewhere:

Interesting quote from the movie 'Why did I get married?'

In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what
you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your
relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that you will
meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your
relationship that you WANT And believe me, 20% looks really good when you
are not getting it at all in your current relationship.

But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80%
that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with
the other 20% that you WANT

But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with
having the 20% that you WANT and losing the 80% that you really NEED and
that you already had.
Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. 'Wow,
this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her Wynona Rider
features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also
understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not'

Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more
charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have
greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you
and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.

Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have
80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or
wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic by
nature.

You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no
matter what she says: 'I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . ..'

Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling of
garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales
representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high
heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet
type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who
has the makings of a talk show host.

But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have.

Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!

That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that represents all the
years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered
together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The
many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.

But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already
have.

But I'm not just talking about marriage.

I'm talking about life!

About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through
the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's missing? 'They
have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow,
their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got personal videos!'

I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your life
like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do you know
that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first
class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?

The main message???

If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are, you
are first class!

Blood

It's not funny when someone's bleeding!

In all fairness, I wasn't like this when I was young.

I went to donate blood yesterday, or rather I tried to. I chickened out in the end.

During my primary school days, I used to beat the queue to get to the front for our yearly jabs. Granted I wasn't at the first of the queue, but I would aim to get somewhere like the second place or somewhere around there. My reasoning was that I didn't want to be the guinea pig by being the first. Being the second in queue or at least somewhere after that place, I'd get to observe and get the ordeal done in a jiffy when it gets to my turn. I still remember the Malay girls in my class (no malicious offence directed at any particular race here) would squeal, howl and cry right before that march to the classroom where the injections are administered. While waiting in line for the injections, those girls would sobbed and hugged each other. I would always look at them with a sense of superiority and laughed silently in my heart. I'M NOT AFRAID! I thought proudly.

Years later, I saw my mother let out a yelp when the nurse took her blood (2 tubes of it all) for blood-testing while she was lying on the hospital bed. She was a very strong woman who seldom (if not never in my sight) cave in to any show of vulnerability. The doctor and the nurse standing around her looked "as-a-matter-of-fact" and official. I could still remember that scene vividly even up till today. It was as if that scene was the hallmark when it comes to extracting blood. Though I wasn't the one inflicted with the pain of her illness, it was as if I felt her pain too when I heard her let off that yelp. If all that chemo, radiation, surgery to remove her eye, the after-effect of that and the effects of being cancer-stricken in the terminal stage, that she couldn't even walk, that she would hallucinate etc etc wasn't painful enough, it was as if merely drawing 2 mini tubes of blood from her lifeless arm was.

Blood. A word with many connotations to me. Ties bounded by blood. Blood is thicker than water. Why then are we less than fair weather people unrelated by blood? Overlook me please, I am just whining past rage when an adult me right now should have more than enough logic in me to know better. But the thing is, emotions are not logical. You cannot reason away an emotion.

---

Unfortunately, humans are not thinking creatures who merely feel, they are feeling creatures who happen to know how to think... and that is a major difference! - Mike Pilinski

The very fact of living up to "expectations", ironically, curbs one's very own potential (if they're contradictory to one's potential) by putting the wrong focus onto what people expect (so either one under-performs, escapes from situation, or carry on tasks expected without much joy), instead of developing what potential one has. Thus, this leads to feelings of being "trapped", evolving into poor self-esteem and thus less happiness. Also, by denying one's own feelings, it dulls our intuition and reflexes. The more honest one is with one's own feelings, the more liberated one feels and is thus happier, more content and free to make choices based on love instead of fear. Depression comes from feeling trapped, happiness stems from having self-worth and choices. - Bon L

You Cannot Change What You Do Not Acknowledge ~ Rodney Hudgen

Gender Equality

As I get older, I am beginning to suspect that there's no such thing such as "Gender Equality".

Leaving the issue of workplace aside ('cause I still believe one should earn as much as the result one achieves, even though statistics between the two genders show otherwise), men and women think, feel, behave and even experience biologically differently.

I am beginning to think that there IS a reason why women (especially in the past centuries) are treated as the fairer sex. To be honoured, valued and treated gently. And I am beginning to see how this "Gender Equality" as much as many women are fighting for it, gets twisted, misinterpreted and instead, do the women in as well as helping them achieve the rights they need (especially in the case of abused women).

First up, let's just acknowledge that a man is not a woman, and a woman can never be a man (let's leave out the exception of hermaphrodites and some other rare cases).

A woman is able to experience pregnancy, or even if she chooses not to be impregnated, she is still subjected to the monthly (sometimes irregular at that) menstrual cycle, which in turn causes her to be more emotional due to the hormonal fluctuation. Let's also remember the (varying) discomfort she goes through during this phase. Her skin is also more sensitive to the sense of touch as compared to that of a man's, because men are evolved hunters from the past and a man's rough skin helps him weather the hunt. This explains why when a woman is angry with a man, she retracts from a man's touch by saying, "Don't touch me!" because she is more highly in tune with her sense of touch (I think therefore, all that sensation gets interpreted in her brain far more quickly and deeply, alongside with the positive or negative experience that connotes it. Can't remember exactly what was written in that article I read before, but something to this effect.)

Physically, may we say that it is safe to assume men are generally stronger than women?

I'm rather pissed actually at times when I see gender put-downs on forums. To my understanding today, it's not about who "win or lose". Let's just put it this way. Imagine a day comes when all members of the opposite sex disappear off the surface of earth. Can you imagine life without them? Even if you have very good same sex buddies to hang around with, can you imagine facing them ONLY day in and day out?

As to this so call issue "women, the fairer sex", I must admit several years back when I was still a teen, I used to feel very embarrassed when relatives or loved ones dare suggest a gender-stereotypical occupation I should take on in future, and to allow someone to "take care" of me. How dare they look down on me, a girl!? In my mind, I wanted to achieve more, to prove that I can be more independent and stronger than the submissive women of the past, more so than with the intention and actual idea what I truly want for myself at all, "thanks" to the media of the 80s, 90s and even as of now, portraying women as some self-sufficient creatures. I think many women, as well as men are affected by this, embracing this "Gender Equality" idea. More and more women now feel ashamed and appalled at the idea of being a stay-home mum (when they have the freedom to pursue high-flying career), and even if they do not feel so initially, perhaps they do later on by the influence of their peers. And because of this "Gender Equality" notion, guys are also behaving in a more and more ungentlemanly fashion, reasoning that why should they bother to do stuff for the ladies that ladies can easily do so for themselves (a notion also perpetuate by some women themselves because they feel "insulted" to be offered help too, even when it would actually be a welcome break for them). The men as a result, are not very ideal husbands, one that would give the support a wife needs. Thus, the social etiquette of "ladies and gentlemen" ceased, and in place, some "Gender Equality" appropriate measures that leave neither gender truly satisfied.

Are we moving towards an asexual humanity? If not, I think it pays to recognize what each gender really needs, instead of just crediting everything in the name of "Gender Equality" out of convenience and denial.

Men and women ARE different. And nope, not in a condescending way. Let us all give more due respect to each other, kay?

胆怯

“原来拥有过，再叫人失去，是会那样的害怕。有了期待，人真的会变得胆怯耶。”

- 关小舒；翻滾吧!蛋炒飯 Episode 12 Part 8

The importance of communication

How many times have we had these kinds of conversations?

"You said..."
"No, you're wrong! I said..."
"You did not! You never said I was supposed to..."
"Oh, yes I did! I clearly said..."
"You never even mentioned..."
"But that was our agreement..."

The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals. Whether we are dealing with the question of who does what at work, how you communicate with your daughter when you tell her to clean her room, or who feeds the fish and takes out the garbage, we can be certain that unclear expectations will lead to misunderstanding, disappointment, and withdrawals of trust.

Many expectations are implicit. They haven't been explicitly stated or announced, but people nevertheless bring them to a particular situation. In marriage, for example, a man and a woman have implicit expectations of each other in their marriage roles. Although these expectations have not been discussed, or sometimes even recognized by the person who has them, fulfilling them makes great deposits in the relationship and violating them makes withdrawals.

That's why it's so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table. People will begin to judge each other through those expectations. And if they feel like their basic expectations have been violated, the reserve of trust is diminished. We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people.

The deposit is to make the expectations clear and explicit in the beginning. This takes a real investment of time and effort up front, but it saves great amounts of time and effort down the road. When expectations are not clear and shared, people begin to become emotionally involved and simple misunderstandings become compounded, turning into personality clashes and communication breakdowns.

Clarifying expectations sometimes takes a great deal of courage. It seems easier to act as though differences don't exist and to hope things will work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations.

~ Stephen R Covey; The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

---

I used to think that no argument is good in my relationship and pride myself on that.

And then i discovered that there were so many differences between us, only much much later down the lane...

Come to think of it all now, actually a little argument wldnt hurt and may even facilitate better understanding. Of course the ideal wld be to talk it over calmly and come to a mutual agreement. I used to think that that was what we did very early on in my previous marathon r/s. Then i realized that somehow, due to the novelty of a new relationship, wanting to hang onto it, to make it last, somehow somewhere somewhat, someone must hv been restraining his or her true self just so to placate the other party.

This wld not be the truth i seek.

Not that you hv to practically tear out each other's hair just for the sake of argument to come to the awareness of wat ea other want but effective communication is vital. It does not hv to be quantity communication, it's the quality that counts.

Being too nice (a cool composed front), afraid to communicate wat u need directly to the other person, afraid to receive feedbacks, holding back wat you feel, lack of expressing your care & concern in the way the other party can ustand, all stand in the way of truly understanding & connecting to someone.

This reminds me of this part of an article i've read - 5 GOLDEN RULES FOR FINDING YOUR LIFE PARTNER (by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.):

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and
thoughts with this person?

This question goes
to the core of the quality of your relationship.

Feeling safe means you
can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication
is trust! i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

There's a quote that i came by, author unknown, talking abt love which i agree very much with:

I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is
for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them
more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything
about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling
comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk
into a room and smile at you.

i'm still trying to find my love though. who are you and where are you?