The importance of communication

How many times have we had these kinds of conversations?

"You said..."
"No, you're wrong! I said..."
"You did not! You never said I was supposed to..."
"Oh, yes I did! I clearly said..."
"You never even mentioned..."
"But that was our agreement..."

The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals. Whether we are dealing with the question of who does what at work, how you communicate with your daughter when you tell her to clean her room, or who feeds the fish and takes out the garbage, we can be certain that unclear expectations will lead to misunderstanding, disappointment, and withdrawals of trust.

Many expectations are implicit. They haven't been explicitly stated or announced, but people nevertheless bring them to a particular situation. In marriage, for example, a man and a woman have implicit expectations of each other in their marriage roles. Although these expectations have not been discussed, or sometimes even recognized by the person who has them, fulfilling them makes great deposits in the relationship and violating them makes withdrawals.

That's why it's so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table. People will begin to judge each other through those expectations. And if they feel like their basic expectations have been violated, the reserve of trust is diminished. We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people.

The deposit is to make the expectations clear and explicit in the beginning. This takes a real investment of time and effort up front, but it saves great amounts of time and effort down the road. When expectations are not clear and shared, people begin to become emotionally involved and simple misunderstandings become compounded, turning into personality clashes and communication breakdowns.

Clarifying expectations sometimes takes a great deal of courage. It seems easier to act as though differences don't exist and to hope things will work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations.

~ Stephen R Covey; The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

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I used to think that no argument is good in my relationship and pride myself on that.

And then i discovered that there were so many differences between us, only much much later down the lane...

Come to think of it all now, actually a little argument wldnt hurt and may even facilitate better understanding. Of course the ideal wld be to talk it over calmly and come to a mutual agreement. I used to think that that was what we did very early on in my previous marathon r/s. Then i realized that somehow, due to the novelty of a new relationship, wanting to hang onto it, to make it last, somehow somewhere somewhat, someone must hv been restraining his or her true self just so to placate the other party.

This wld not be the truth i seek.

Not that you hv to practically tear out each other's hair just for the sake of argument to come to the awareness of wat ea other want but effective communication is vital. It does not hv to be quantity communication, it's the quality that counts.

Being too nice (a cool composed front), afraid to communicate wat u need directly to the other person, afraid to receive feedbacks, holding back wat you feel, lack of expressing your care & concern in the way the other party can ustand, all stand in the way of truly understanding & connecting to someone.

This reminds me of this part of an article i've read - 5 GOLDEN RULES FOR FINDING YOUR LIFE PARTNER (by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.):

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and
thoughts with this person?

This question goes
to the core of the quality of your relationship.

Feeling safe means you
can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication
is trust! i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

There's a quote that i came by, author unknown, talking abt love which i agree very much with:

I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is
for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them
more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything
about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling
comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk
into a room and smile at you.

i'm still trying to find my love though. who are you and where are you?