Hope, Love, and Trust

許美靜 - 明知道

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I should set another appointment to see her again.

Not that I'm a total novice to this. There were some occasions in the past where I had been to such places, but usually I had gone with the mindset to wanna re-affirm my beliefs and decision, and to get things off my chest.

It's so hard being almost an orphan. It's even harder than an orphan when you have to live up to look good for the "family" part but without the emotional support and interaction of a "home".

And then you learned to tolerate abnormal behaviors that you believe are the "norms" because they've been "normalized".

Education is not just restricted to school. I have to relearn everything and start from scratch again, even as I near my 3rd decade of living on earth.

This time I should practice what I've always been preaching. I need to heal.

Just when I had thought all dust had settled, my previous visit a week plus ago hauled up all the most unbearable memories sending me reeling back in deep agony, again.

I need to heal. I need to thoroughly heal. Even if it will degenerate me back to the most painful state I had been through, I will need to do it again. Healing needs to come from deep within from a spiritual level.

"Hope, Love, and Trust are all core spiritual values and when you have invested those core values and beliefs in someone and then the heinous deception is revealed that the 'goal' of the relationship was to manipulate you all along, something 'rips' inside of you. This 'soul tearing' brings a spiritual skepticism, a distrust that permeates everything you EVER believed."

Even if my friends wouldn't understand what it is like for me exactly. I wouldn't let them. Cos' it would confuse them, hurt them, interrupt their lives if they were to see the true state I'm in, living the roller coaster everyday. I wish them love and happiness.

"Be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror." - Life And How To Survive It by Adrian Tan

That is why I decided to seek her. It was silly of me last week to scan her eyes to try to detect any hint of genuine concern. And it was just as stupid of me to start to try to sense and permeate her feelings, what she might have been through. I am the client.

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“我想算了吧
不如就这样地分手
我的心在痛 对你的爱太浓
是否你能带走 过去的承诺
不再对你奢求什么

明知道爱你只是继续错
为何还如此脆弱
已经习惯有你
已经不能将你摆脱”

Forgiveness is the act of facing the pain and anger that someone has brought into your life and letting go of any need or desire to pay that person back.
- By Dr. John Van Epp