Hope, Love, and Trust

許美靜 - 明知道

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I should set another appointment to see her again.

Not that I'm a total novice to this. There were some occasions in the past where I had been to such places, but usually I had gone with the mindset to wanna re-affirm my beliefs and decision, and to get things off my chest.

It's so hard being almost an orphan. It's even harder than an orphan when you have to live up to look good for the "family" part but without the emotional support and interaction of a "home".

And then you learned to tolerate abnormal behaviors that you believe are the "norms" because they've been "normalized".

Education is not just restricted to school. I have to relearn everything and start from scratch again, even as I near my 3rd decade of living on earth.

This time I should practice what I've always been preaching. I need to heal.

Just when I had thought all dust had settled, my previous visit a week plus ago hauled up all the most unbearable memories sending me reeling back in deep agony, again.

I need to heal. I need to thoroughly heal. Even if it will degenerate me back to the most painful state I had been through, I will need to do it again. Healing needs to come from deep within from a spiritual level.

"Hope, Love, and Trust are all core spiritual values and when you have invested those core values and beliefs in someone and then the heinous deception is revealed that the 'goal' of the relationship was to manipulate you all along, something 'rips' inside of you. This 'soul tearing' brings a spiritual skepticism, a distrust that permeates everything you EVER believed."

Even if my friends wouldn't understand what it is like for me exactly. I wouldn't let them. Cos' it would confuse them, hurt them, interrupt their lives if they were to see the true state I'm in, living the roller coaster everyday. I wish them love and happiness.

"Be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror." - Life And How To Survive It by Adrian Tan

That is why I decided to seek her. It was silly of me last week to scan her eyes to try to detect any hint of genuine concern. And it was just as stupid of me to start to try to sense and permeate her feelings, what she might have been through. I am the client.

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“我想算了吧
不如就这样地分手
我的心在痛 对你的爱太浓
是否你能带走 过去的承诺
不再对你奢求什么

明知道爱你只是继续错
为何还如此脆弱
已经习惯有你
已经不能将你摆脱”

Forgiveness is the act of facing the pain and anger that someone has brought into your life and letting go of any need or desire to pay that person back.
- By Dr. John Van Epp

it's all making sense now

it's all sinking in... making sense... bit by bit... each time... every time... those times...


“你知道你现在是什么阶段吗？” 她对着我说。

我一直沉默不语。

“Loss。”
她特别强调这个字眼，用一种很特别的语调去刻意强调它。
“你知道什么是 loss 吗？”

“你失去了你唯一的精神支柱，你失去了原本以为的一个家，即使是你先放弃了他，你还是失去了他呀！”

感觉非笔墨所能形容。

“你没要求过什么，你只不过是想要一个人来好好的爱你而已。”

“你不甘心呀！”

It's all sinking in now..

“The person you loved never existed. It was an illusion created to manipulate you. If you still have feelings for him, they are feelings for what you wanted him to be, not for what he is.”

可怕。

"She tells herself she should be grateful to be out and negates her own feelings of loss. The end of a relationship always constitutes a loss whether he died or whether the relationship merely ended -- the heart recognizes it as the same -- which is 'loss.'"

原来。

So I need to properly... grieve? But how to properly grieve???

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Causes of Depression in Men and Women

Extract from Mars and Venus On A Date by John Gray, Ph.D:

THE DIFFERENT CAUSES OF DEPRESSION

The major cause of depression in woman is feeling isolated. When women are most unhappy, it is when they feel that they have to do it all and there is no one there for them. This sense of having to be completely responsible for themselves and others becomes a source of depression.

Ironically, for men it is the opposite. When a man feels he is responsible for himself, then he feels good about himself. When he feels he can provide for another, he feels even better about himself. The more the others need him, the better he feels.

Men like to feel they are being helpful and of service. In a sense, men like to be used. As long as a man feels fairly rewarded, he is most fulfilled when he is being used. When a man is responsible and giving and is appreciated and rewarded, he is happiest. Women, on the other hand, become depressed when they are used too much.

The major cause of depression in men is feeling not needed. A man out of work or with nothing to do becomes increasingly depressed. A man becomes depressed when he experiences that what he has to offer is not needed. This is why appreciation is so important to men. When a man feels needed, then his confidence and sense of purpose increase. Automatically, he feels more responsible.

When a man feels needed, it can bring out the best in him. A woman doesn't instinctively understand how important this is to a man. Certainly a woman wants to feel appreciated, but what she doesn't understand is that men don't feel needed unless they are appreciated for what they do. Without appreciation, a man loses touch with his purposefulness.

When a man doesn't feel that he can successfully provide for himself or another, he will become depressed. With insight into the source of a man's depression, it is easier to understand why a man needs a woman.

WHEN WOMEN GIVE TOO MUCH

When a woman gives of herself, even if she is appreciated and rewarded fairly, she will not get what she primarily needs. There are many successful women who are taking medication or in counseling for depression. The source of their depression is not that they don't feel needed, but that they don't get what they need.

There is nothing wrong with women who give a lot. Giving is an expression of love, and it is always good. The problem comes up when women cannot get back the support they need and deserve. When women give more than they are getting, they become increasingly unfulfilled.

一点一滴

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"Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man." Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey