Blood

It's not funny when someone's bleeding!

In all fairness, I wasn't like this when I was young.

I went to donate blood yesterday, or rather I tried to. I chickened out in the end.

During my primary school days, I used to beat the queue to get to the front for our yearly jabs. Granted I wasn't at the first of the queue, but I would aim to get somewhere like the second place or somewhere around there. My reasoning was that I didn't want to be the guinea pig by being the first. Being the second in queue or at least somewhere after that place, I'd get to observe and get the ordeal done in a jiffy when it gets to my turn. I still remember the Malay girls in my class (no malicious offence directed at any particular race here) would squeal, howl and cry right before that march to the classroom where the injections are administered. While waiting in line for the injections, those girls would sobbed and hugged each other. I would always look at them with a sense of superiority and laughed silently in my heart. I'M NOT AFRAID! I thought proudly.

Years later, I saw my mother let out a yelp when the nurse took her blood (2 tubes of it all) for blood-testing while she was lying on the hospital bed. She was a very strong woman who seldom (if not never in my sight) cave in to any show of vulnerability. The doctor and the nurse standing around her looked "as-a-matter-of-fact" and official. I could still remember that scene vividly even up till today. It was as if that scene was the hallmark when it comes to extracting blood. Though I wasn't the one inflicted with the pain of her illness, it was as if I felt her pain too when I heard her let off that yelp. If all that chemo, radiation, surgery to remove her eye, the after-effect of that and the effects of being cancer-stricken in the terminal stage, that she couldn't even walk, that she would hallucinate etc etc wasn't painful enough, it was as if merely drawing 2 mini tubes of blood from her lifeless arm was.

Blood. A word with many connotations to me. Ties bounded by blood. Blood is thicker than water. Why then are we less than fair weather people unrelated by blood? Overlook me please, I am just whining past rage when an adult me right now should have more than enough logic in me to know better. But the thing is, emotions are not logical. You cannot reason away an emotion.

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Unfortunately, humans are not thinking creatures who merely feel, they are feeling creatures who happen to know how to think... and that is a major difference! - Mike Pilinski

The very fact of living up to "expectations", ironically, curbs one's very own potential (if they're contradictory to one's potential) by putting the wrong focus onto what people expect (so either one under-performs, escapes from situation, or carry on tasks expected without much joy), instead of developing what potential one has. Thus, this leads to feelings of being "trapped", evolving into poor self-esteem and thus less happiness. Also, by denying one's own feelings, it dulls our intuition and reflexes. The more honest one is with one's own feelings, the more liberated one feels and is thus happier, more content and free to make choices based on love instead of fear. Depression comes from feeling trapped, happiness stems from having self-worth and choices. - Bon L

You Cannot Change What You Do Not Acknowledge ~ Rodney Hudgen

林黛玉葬花

《红楼梦》 《葬花吟》 的一段。

花榭花飞飞满天，

红绡香断有谁怜？

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葬花吟出自——《第二十七回 滴翠亭杨妃戏彩蝶 埋香冢飞燕泣残红》

节选：

宝玉因不见了林黛玉，便知她躲了别处去了，想了一想，索性迟两日，等她的气消一消再去也罢了。因低头看见许多凤仙石榴等各色落花，锦重重的落了一 地，因叹道：“ 这是她心里生了气，也不收拾这花儿来了。待我送了去，明儿再问着她。”说着，只见宝钗约着他们往外头去。 宝玉道：“我就来。”说毕，等他二人去远了，便把那花兜了起来， 登山渡水，过树穿花，一直奔了那日同林黛玉葬桃花的去处来。将已到了花冢，犹未转过山坡，只听山坡那边有呜咽之声，一行数落着，哭的好不伤感。宝玉心下想 道：“这不知是那房里的丫头，受了委曲，跑到这个地方来哭。”一面想，一面煞住脚步，听她哭道是：

花榭花飞飞满天，红绡香断有谁怜？
游丝软系飘春榭，落絮轻沾扑绣帘。
闺中女儿惜春暮，愁绪满怀无处诉；
手把花锄出绣帘，忍踏落花来复去。
柳丝榆荚自芳菲，不管桃飘与李飞；
桃李明年能再发，明岁闺中知是谁？
三月香巢初垒成，梁间燕子太无情！
明年花发虽可啄，却不道人去梁空巢也倾！
一年三百六十日，风刀霜剑严相逼；
明媚鲜妍能几时，一朝飘泊难寻觅。
花开易见落难寻，阶前愁杀葬花人；
独把花锄偷洒泪，洒上空枝见血痕。
杜鹃无语正黄昏，荷锄归去掩重门；
青灯照壁人初睡，冷雨敲窗被未温。
怪侬底事倍伤神，半为怜春半恼春；
怜春忽至恼忽去，至又无语去不闻。
昨宵庭外悲歌奏，知是花魂与鸟魂？
花魂鸟魂总难留，鸟自无语花自羞；
愿侬此日生双翼，随花飞到天尽头。
天尽头！何处有香丘？
未若锦囊收艳骨，一杯净土掩风流；
质本洁来还洁去，强于污淖陷渠沟。
尔今死去侬收葬，未卜侬身何日丧？
侬今葬花人笑痴，他年葬侬知是谁？
试看春残花渐落，便是红颜老死时；
一朝春尽红颜老，花落人亡两不知

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Noto Mamiko - Aizome