I still do care and am concern abt you

Love.


This is not the 1st time it's happened. My Internet Explorer crash, and all of what i've composed were lost and gone down the drain.

To think that i had tot the auto save as draft system wld work. It worked the last time though not consistently, but no, not this time round though.

Dammit! And it had been nearing the end of this entry somemore. Quite a good number of words were typed. I had described some bits of childhood i had exp, even copied and pasted the lyrics of a particular song, and described in as many details as possible the dream that i had today...

Maybe it was for the best? Had i revealed too much?

Oh well, it wont be the same, but let's try again. Maybe a summarized version this time.


I had always wonder, ponder and brood about this word... Love.

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Today, i had a dream.

I dreamt abt my mei being all alone by herself but fighting against those out to harm her. I went up to her and gave her a big hug, holding on for as long as i can rmb, and sobbing out loud (i seldom do that, not even when no one's looking) and uncontrollably as i did so (those hurtful kinda sob). I embraced her as if to shelter her and to show her that i ustand all the humiliations and pains she went thru.

And then i woke up.

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妹妹，我心疼你。




Where there was a time i tot it was only logical that you care only for your family of the same bloodline, i realized that it is also possible to feel for someone not within your family. Well, it's not as if i had all the love from my family. In fact, i dun have much care and concern from them at all.

Love, is something that seems to elude me. Or so i tot.

And where it comes to man and woman's love, i hv even more doubts abt its credibility, esp so since the media's massive focal point is bent on this. I tot it was too overhyped and exaggerated. Maybe it sells ya noe, much like sex does? I mean, why love a stranger when you dun even love your own family members enough? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Esp after the death of my last rs, i had not been able to feel that so call "love" Love for a while. I wondered what's wrong with me. I had gone out with many guys but i dun feel love. Friendship yes, extended to a pathetically few number of worthy guys. The rest of them seems to carry some kinda dubious motives, not my cuppa tea at all.

As for the so call ever-cliche term of "love at 1st sight"? That's even more laughable to me. I had always disregarded it & cast it away as mere "lust at 1st sight". Nth fantastic really.

Until of late, i wonder why i keep asking myself this question. What is love at 1st sight? Has it happen to me before, or did it?

Cos i think it did. It was becos i had been such a cynic and tried to find logical explanations for everything that i dulled & ignored its existence.


I think it did happen to me before. Not very recently but.. i think.. i sorta tasted it.



Feelings... hard to explain, said some of my friends. Yea, it wasn't the 1st time i've heard people, incl friends talk abt love (cos i asked them their opinons). Even when i open my emails, or some friendship message links from friendster messages, i wld come across these: “相信一见钟情”or "Believe in love at 1st sight". Geez, repetition does work. It's drummed its way into my little head and got me thinking a lot. The more i look back and reflect, the more it seemed like that there was something.

But even so, what much can i do? There's so much at stake.



Well, that's the "love" Love. But in general, i think it is still possible to feel for someone not related by blood =)

Even when there comes a day when the people i care abt the most have forgotten all abt me or see me as unimportant by then, i'd still wish them all the very best, from the bottom of my heart.

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As for me, to love you alone, to make you happy, to do nothing which would contradict your wishes,
this is my destiny and the meaning of my life. -Napoleon Bonaparte




"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." -James Baldwin

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